I’m sure I’d have still enjoyed Cannabis if I didn’t have a rare and painful spinal cord injury. But it took years to understand who Cannabis really was.
S’ok, She’s patient.
The plant had been smeared in my mind from that old Reagan ‘just say no’ bullshit. My Mom was a frequent user and that, too, made me associate the plant with harmful things.
I gravitated toward Cannabis because my friends or partners enjoyed it.
When I toured the US and Europe it became apparent Cannabis was the international ‘drug’ of choice among all strata of people.
After that insufferable beast alcohol, of course.
Sometimes I heard people refuse to toke because ‘it made them paranoid’.
I’d never quite understood.
I felt at home in Her gentle shifts of perception.
Sometimes I inquired about exactly what they meant.
The answers were different, but overall, it meant it took people to their darker places.
My first husband was a highly skilled athlete who used Cannabis to focus. As did his many fellow athletes. They performed breathtaking stunts all day with regular smoke breaks. These are the guys who you see in the X-games.
My second husband had severe scoliosis and used Cannabis to ease pain.
They taught me to let go of the lies I’d heard about Her all my life.
It wasn’t until my early 30’s that I actively sought Cannabis.
The spinal cord injury was finally diagnosed.
Pregnancy created a paralysis of a third of my body.
The pain was worse than it had ever been.
I was beset with a complicated diagnosis of auto-immune conditions after the complex spinal cord operation.
The pain & disabilities bloomed, my life force diminished.
I needed almost constant bed-rest.
I began the same faithful regimen as my husband with a twisted spine.
When we divorced it simply wasn’t available to me anymore.
Too shy & weakened to find a source I went without for years.
Prescribed pharmaceuticals were my only choice.
I became a husk of the husk that I’d become.
We interviewed hospice workers and hospices.
Plans for my cremation and memorial were put into place.
We prepared our children for what goodbye meant.
Four years ago my state began their Medical Cannabis program.
They opened a dispensary a quarter mile down the road from my home.
Prayers are answered, right!?!
I begged, borrowed and saved to buy as much of their products as possible without hurting the family budget. I’d rarely experienced expertly cultivated Cannabis, let alone a vast array of edibles, salves and sprays.
It was a heavenly experience after a lifetime of absolute suffering.
It was real medicine!
But I wasn’t getting better.
I was just feeling less like I was dying.
I was still beset with infections.
New bizarre symptoms kept me in a state of expecting the End any day.
Several months ago I dreamt I was in an ancient forest.
The trees had large trunks, some like redwoods.
But they grew enormous Cannabis leaves.
Fruity, skunky gigantic buds dangling like grape bunches.
Their rich, vibrant colors spanned the rainbow.
Giant golden hairs glowed of their own accord.
Indescribable light from Her aura made the woods alive with shifting prisms.
The forest gave me an urgent message:
Remove my teeth immediately.
I’d avoided dentists starting in my mid 20’s.
A particularly sleazy nyc dentist tricked me into one session of 12 root canals.
I became very ill after his long & painful procedure.
I learned later, when I tried to file a complaint, he’d been censured for unnecessary and harmful operations and removed from the Union’s list of dentists.
I couldn’t trust dentists again, barely for a cleaning every few years.
The auto-immune and endocrine conditions sped up the tooth decay.
The forest was very urgent in their message.
I had all of the decayed teeth removed.
It was weeks of misery.
Humiliating to be so young and appear so old now.
I sunk into an even deeper state of mourning.
But the gums slowly healed.
I feel better than I have in many years.
Death doesn’t seem as near.
Life has more possibilities.
I now remember hope.
A friend reminds me she’d heard once – Death creeps in through the gums.
As my mouth healed I found funding for implants.
I wouldn’t be toothless for long.
Slowly I imagined a future again.
But for the first time ever, Cannabis made me feel paranoid!
It was the same excellent product I’d been buying from the dispensary for years.
But now, no matter how I ingested or smoked it, I was overcome with that darkness most easily defined as paranoia.
My first thought was there’s something wrong with the weed!…lol.
I soon realized the Cannabis was helping me fix what was wrong with me.
The plant took me to a level where I was strong enough to face the next layer of self that was ready to heal.
The darkness I unconsciously pushed to the far back of the closet.
We are masters of fooling ourselves, pretending one thing and being another.
It’s not necessarily nefarious.
It is survival in a world designed to deny The Soul.
We live in a culture that doesn’t accept straightforward expressions.
We are tender little souls born into a world ruled by cruelty.
As a child I accepted the physical, sexual and emotional violence as normal. The depth of which would have put people in jail for decades and me in state care. Which would have been a whole other experience of stressful if not abusive situations.
I’d already come to an understanding that although my history is a bit more colorful than most, no one escapes injuries to the psyche and the spirit.
We collect injuries upon our injuries until we see the damage as a part of ourselves.
It is part of the collective din that dusts and splatters our true human Spirit of connection, compassion & joy.
Much of our damage from this life are from events we don’t even remember.
The hurt remains, but the cause long forgotten.
Still, it is wholly ours.
Honesty & clarity are choices we must make within ourselves.
Many of us must untangle years of denials, deceptions and other tricks that made it easier to exist. To face these rusty hurts is the only way to true freedom. To trace where the hurt began and how our behavior became intrinsically connected to protecting that wound.
The voices and languages of the natural world are soft. Like our own internal voice, if we do not listen, it will not push harder. Cannabis is a healing consciousness with Her own diagnosis process. When She brings us to that darker place, She is re-introducing us to ourselves, to the skewing of perception that these old wounds created.
Knowing that now, I wonder if those people who said She invoked paranoia ever faced what She felt was the most important thing to offer them.
Cannabis is a healing entity, therefore a huge threat to The Powers That Be.
Breaking into our personal darkness isn’t fun, it isn’t a party trick.
But once achieved, our power becomes limitless.
Cannabis wants that for us.
Cannabis doesn’t ask to be an addiction.
She doesn’t require slavish attention.
She doesn’t want money.
She does not work from ego.
She exists in a place that only wants everyone to become whole.
This is the true consciousness from which Life is sourced.
This is the Wholeness from which we’ve been distracted for millennia.
That is where we come from.
Cannabis wants to take us Home.
She recognizes where we are on that Journey.
She serves on the conscious level in ways we can feel.
We love her joviality, her relaxed states, her moments of deep concentration and discovery.
But then, when She sees we can go deeper She opens that door.
I am grateful She and I have begun a new level of relationship.
After four years of steady ingestion She has become a part of me.
A soft guiding voice of a higher power supplementing my consciousness.
I haven’t been to the dispensary in quite some time.
My last purchase was once a week’s supply. There is plenty left.
It sits on my altar, sparingly used in meditations.
She guided me to other plants that ease the pain.
She and I have far more pressing business.
She is now my guide when I am brave enough to face my own dark burdens.
The weight of which I struggle to carry without knowing it is in my possession.
The width of which cannot be seen but prevented me from entering doorways.
Cannabis is one of our great healers.
She tells me all of nature is medicine.
She wants only to heal our collective consciousness.
She offers herself up for sacrifice.
She knows her body is as eternal as her consciousness.
Cannabis is Unconditional Love.
This is our secret weapon against all evil.
All ill health.
This is why She was demonized.